The Professor is 'pleased' to announce that he will be returning to LiveJournal.

As of this week, The Snapely Review will be updated again. Please note that there will be SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS for Deathly Hallows. Also, there will be spoilers. I realize that some of you in non-English-speaking countries may not have had a chance to read the new book yet, so please be advised.

P.S. There will be spoilers.

There are certain Sue cliches which strike dread even into the heart of an experienced sporker-- to say nothing of DADA expert-- such as myself. The arm-cutting 'emo' Sue is one of these, as is the Sue who is somehow related to me. Stories in which Dumbledore-- in defiance of all standards of decency-- forces the Head Boy and Head Girl to share a dormitory, stories in which the Sue cavorts with well-known Muggle celebrities, incest... alone, even one of these would be too much to bear. Magical authorities have speculated that to combine all of these elements in one fic would create a potentially deadly weapon, capable of causing more pain than the Cruciatus Curse. And-- after reading today's story-- I must concede that they were absolutely correct.

'A New Hope' has the dubious distinction of being the first fic to lose a full fifty points. Read on if you must, but I warn you now, I shall not be held responsible for any headaches, vomiting, or loss of the will to live resulting from contact with this story. Continue at your own peril, Muggle.

Story Or Series Title: A New Hope
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: skullrocker

Full Name (plus titles if any): Ash Martin
Full Species(es): Self-mutilating, self-pitying, self-obsessed Sue.
Hair Color (include adjectives): None mentioned-- sadly, I have encountered this variety of Sue before, and would wager my wand that it is dyed black.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Bleary from the effects of some ludicrous variety of alcohol.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Arms scarred by years of cutting. I suppose I shall have to resist the urge to Sectumsempra Miss Martin, as she might find it enjoyable.
Special Possessions (if any): An iPod, kangaroo-emblazoned undergarments bestowed upon her by a Muggle rock musician, alcoholic beverages in her dormitory (fifty points from Gryffindor, Miss Martin), and an owl named Ruby Gloom.

Annoying Origin: When not skulking drunkenly about Hogwarts, she resides on a bus with the Muggle musicians Good Charlotte. You may wonder what sort of parents would allow their sixteen-year-old daughter to live in such a dissolute manner, but I rather suspect they would let her live in a den of werewolves if it meant getting her out of the house.
Annoying Connections To Me: I am alleged to be her uncle, though I confess I find the genealogy baffling. I am, she explains, '[her brother] Billy and [her] mom's first cousin. Hence uncle.' I shudder to think of the degree of rampant inbreeding which would be necessary to make such a thing possible.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: Despite Hermione Granger's initial jealousy, Miss Martin quickly strikes up a close friendship with the so-called 'Golden Trio'.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: As Head Girl, Miss Martin shares quarters with the Head Boy, Draco Malfoy. Draco is quite taken with her (or as the Suethor would have it, 'That girl could do things to him that no one else could'), and casts off all of his promising qualities in order to spend more time lounging about with her and shooting butterbeer from his nose. One expects more from a Slytherin, though one is, of course, ceaselessly disappointed.
Annoying Special Abilities: Despite being a sixth-year who was-- for quite obvious reasons-- not selected to be a prefect, Miss Martin is appointed Head Girl.
Other Annoying Traits: As mentioned, she cuts herself. This would not be annoying-- any bodily injury to Miss Martin would indeed be somewhat amusing-- if she did not take such apparent pleasure in her melodramatic antics. Her indiscriminate and artless use of profanity, her constant state of sloppy inebriation, and her general crass inelegance make it impossible that she is any relation to me-- unless, perhaps, she is my father in a wig.

Points taken: 50

( Not since Lupin has Dumbledore put such a dangerous and undeserving creature in a position of authority. )

( Miss Martin and I enjoy the sort of bond that only a girl and her uncle/cousin can share. )

( Miss Martin recieves a letter from her little musician friends. Surprisingly, she knows how to read it. )

( Miss Martin engages in a senseless binge of alcohol and self-mutilation. Sadly, she survives. )

You will of course all be familiar with the ridiculous Muggle escapades which surrounded the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I refer not to overheated fangirls mobbing booksellers at the stroke of midnight, nor to the indignity inflicted on me when I was forced to share title-character status with the utterly unremarkable Potter. No, I am speaking of course of spoilers posted in livejournal comments.

Though it took Dumbledore over a decade to realize the fact, I am quite proficient in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and as such have performed a few elementary spells to protect this journal from spoilers. Until July 31, only friends may comment on Snapely Review entries, and all comments shall be screened. Though, really, I can tell you now what will happen in Book 7: Potter will accomplish anything only through the help of his more intelligent (but still intolerable) friends, and will then expect endless adulation for his 'heroism'-- which he will of course receive from a chorus of werewolves, imbeciles, and swots. Meanwhile, my own necessary and perfectly justifiable actions will be the object of disapproval and scorn. Dear, dear, have I spoiled your reading experience?

If not, today's fic will do the job for me. It may not spoil Deathly Hallows, but it will certainly spoil your appetite. I suggest you take a hearty swallow of firewhiskey before attempting to face...

Story Or Series Title: Apprehension, Love, and Tears. Apprehension, yes. Love, absolutely not. Tears... almost.
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: writers.way

Full Name (plus titles if any): Kathryn 'Kitty' Bane. Ridiculous as this name may be, it is perhaps the most sensible of the various OC names in this miserable affair.
Full Species(es): Ale-sodden Death Eater Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): '[R]aven black hair to her shoulders'
Eye Color (include adjectives): 'Yellowish'. A brief stay at St. Mungo's could likely go a long way towards clearing that up.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Pardon me? Are yellowish eyes not enough unusual coloration for one fic?
Special Possessions (if any): A silver wedding ring. I trust your heads are not so filled with sawdust that you cannot guess to whom Miss Bane is wed.

Annoying Origin: As a third-year, Miss Bane transferred (of course) from Durmstrang after her mother was sent to Azkaban, presumably for spawning such an appalling example of Suedom.
Annoying Connections To Me: As children, we became fast friends, despite my seeming (and entirely understandable) inability to remain in the same room with Miss Bane without succumbing to a fit of apoplectic rage. In our seventh year, I gave in to my tender feelings for the bad-tempered and ocularly-diseased Miss Bane, and we became engaged. Four times.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: None, though my extra!Sue 'daughter', Jack, is apparently engaged to marry Fred Weasley, thereby bringing an ignominious end to the Snape family name.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: None. We are instead treated to a wide range of underdeveloped and uproariously-named OCs, including Miss Bane's friend Stella Nite and Jack's (thankfully) absent mother, Roxanne Storm.
Annoying Special Abilities: Despite her status as a convicted Death Eater, Miss Bane somehow managed to avoid Azkaban, instead living (apparently quite contentedly) in 'Muggle exile'. Were the Dark Lord to hear of such disloyalty, his punishment would no doubt be swift and devastating-- and I assure you, I would make it my business to tell him.
Other Annoying Traits: Finally manages to lure me into the bond of matrimony, allegedly with the use of nothing more potent than alcohol, though I am sure a love potion would have to be involved-- an out-of-date love potion, in near-lethal doses.

Points taken: 40

( A touching domestic tableau. )

( And the following morning, in a plot twist worthy of a Muggle sitcom... )

Story Or Series Title: I'm Back! As am I... and I have not returned in a forgiving mood.
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: Dracos-Kitten

Full Name (plus titles if any): Trixenthia Malfoy, 'or Trixy for short'. Apparently Suethors have abandoned all restraint in naming their heroines. 'Trixenthia' sounds rather more like a type of fungal infection than a name.
Full Species(es): Time-travelling Malfoy!Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): White. What, no 'ice-blonde tresses cascading like milk over her nubile curves'? Dare I hope that this Suethor will avoid the florid descriptive language which has so pained me in past fics?
Eye Color (include adjectives): 'Crystal blue'. Ah, my hope was in vain, I see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None noted.
Special Possessions (if any): Not specified, though it is mentioned that I've been storing them in my home. I can only assume that I was using them for the purpose of hexing Miss Malfoy in absentia.

Annoying Origin: Miss Malfoy was lost to her family-- to their great distress, I am sure-- following a happy accident with a Time-Turner. She subsequently spent twelve years at Hogwarts in the 1970s before meandering back to the 1990s. Not since the Dark Lord's return has a sudden reappearance visited such horrors upon the wizarding world.
Annoying Connections To Me: She claims that during her sojourn in the past, I proposed marriage to her. I have no doubt that a dose of Veritaserum would disprove this libel quickly and irrefutably.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: Miss Malfoy is the adopted daughter of Albus Dumbledore, though she seems more like the sort of creature likely to be adopted by Hagrid.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: The daughter of Lucius and Narcissa, and the twin sister of Draco. The Malfoys have produced countless Dark wizards, Death Eaters, and self-dramatizing weaklings-- even so, 'Trixy' is quite clearly the shame of the family.
Annoying Special Abilities: Miss Malfoy is an Animagus, capable of transforming into a 'white wildcat'. Must every Animagus!Sue transform into some variety of feline?
Other Annoying Traits: While I wish I could list for you every aspect of Miss Malfoy which I find irksome, that might take days, and I am far too busy. Thankfully, this story ends quickly and abruptly (immediately after Miss Malfoy launches herself upon me like an angry kneazle), so at least we are spared any further 'character development'.

Points taken: 30

( If one of my students dared to hand in an assignment this clumsily written, he would earn a month's detention. )

As you may be aware, I have over the course of my life witnessed horrors of which most of you cannot even conceive. Murderous trolls, the rages of the Dark Lord, Black's delightful sense of humor-- and yet they all pale (except, possibly, for that last) next to the monstrosities I regularly encounter within the pages of Suefics. With each fic I read, one question asserts itself more urgently in my mind: what is wrong with teenage Muggles?

Certainly, my contact with the Muggle world has been blessedly little, and it is possible (as distinct from probable) that there are underage Muggles in possesion of some rudiment of sanity. And I know all too well that most teenagers in the wizarding world are useless, dull, cheeky, and unprepossessing in the highest degree. However, if the Suefics I've been subjected to are any indication, Muggle teenagers are all infatuated with florid prose, ridiculous apparel, and sexual unions of questionable appeal (to say nothing of legality).

Because I cannot begin to fathom the workings of Suethor's mind, I have prevailed upon a teenage Suethor to assist me with this spork. Note that she is not the author of today's fic-- I would not put myself within a three-village radius of Ebony Rayne, as I should fear for my virtue, as well as what is left of my dignity. May I introduce... Miss Lindsay Jenkins.
cAlL mE ~~*mOoNsHaDoW rIdDlE*~~.
Certainly not. And stop typing in that ludicrous manner.
~~uM, hElLoOoO, tHiS iS hOw KeWl PeOpLe TyPe, DuH.~~
Miss Jenkins, if you do not stop immediately, I shall be forced to give you detention.
OmG, dEtEnTiOn!!! LyKe, In dA dUnGeOnZ? aNd, LyKe, At FiRsT u'Ll B tOtAlLy MeAn 2 mE n StUfF bUt ThEn U'lL tOtAlLy OpEn Up tO mE n TeLl mE aBoUt Ur dArK pAsT n ThEn We'Ll dO iT?!
I think not. Detention is meant to be a punishment for you, not for me.
OmG lOl!!!
Miss Jenkins, if you do start typing like a human being immediately, I shall hand you over to the Death Eaters.
LyKe LuScIoUs MaLfOy n BaRtY cRoUcH jR? MmMmMmM...
I was thinking more of Wormtail and Macnair.
OmG, tHeY aRn'T eVeN cUtE!
Well, then.
Oh... fine.
Thank you. Now, before we begin, could you please misspell say a few words about your qualifications in the field of fanfiction?
ToTaLl-- um, totally. I kno a lot about fanfic becuz I've written a totally awesome 98-chapter fic called 'Really, Really Shiny'. It's about you, and how your hair izn't greesy it'z just--
Really, really shiny?
OMG!!!!!!! How did u kno?
*sigh* Perhaps I am a Seer.
Da subplot of da story iz, ur noze isn't hooked, it'z just--
Aristocratic and aquiline, yes?
OMG OMG OMG!
Very well. Now if you will kindly stop squealing like a mandrake, we can begin today's spork.
OMG!

Story Or Series Title: My Mate, My Father, My Love I won't leave you clinging to false hope: she is not referring to three separate people.
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: Ebony Rayne

Full Name (plus titles if any): Ebony Snape. It is the darkest possible portent-- the Suethor has the same name as the Sue. OMG, lyke there's N-E-thing wrong wit that! Da heroine of 'Really, Really Shiny' is named Moonshadow, just lyke me! And she's NOT A SUE! I meen, she'z based on me, so if she'z a Sue, then I'm a Sue, too!
Full Species(es): Vampire and avid incest enthusiast. She lykes insects? Eeww!
Hair Color (include adjectives): None noted, but I would wager my private stores of boomslang skin that her hair is ebony.
Eye Color (include adjectives): 'Freaky purple', not unlike the prose herein. That's such totally bad writing! Evrybody knos, if u want to make a really kewl character, her eyes should CHANGE COLOR, duh!
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None noted.
Special Possessions (if any): A mystical, divinatory... bowl of water. That'z stupid! She doesn't even have an iPod or a pet unicorn? Wut kind of dumb story is this?

Annoying Origin: I allegedly adopted her when she was five years of age. Which certainly seems likely, as the only thing I enjoy more than a squalling child is a squalling half-breed child. N-E-wayz, why would u adopt a daughter when u already have a bunch of long-lost daughters who transfer 2 Hogwartz in there 5th year? I have no such-- OMG, yes u do! See, in 'Really, Really Shiny'-- Miss Jenkins, for your own sake-- do not give me further reason to hex you.
Annoying Connections To Me: One need only reread the title of this fic to know of the manifold connnections between Miss Snape and myself, each more gruesome than the last.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: She counts among her friends Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, proving beyond all doubt that she was not reared by me. She also receives wise counsel-- in the form of hysterical fainting fits-- from Potter's 'werewolf mate', Lupin.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: Miss Snape is also friendly with Draco Malfoy, who-- OMG! Draco is sooooooo hot! I'm lyke so glad he's nice in this story!!!!!
Annoying Special Abilities: Aside from the fact that she is a whining, Potter-loving vampire with an incestuous lust for her adoptive father? None whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: She tooootally gets to make out with my man!!!!! Stay away from Sev, bitch! Langlock! Mmmph mm mmph mmmph mph! Oh, dear... my wand hand must have slipped. How unfortunate.

Points taken: 40

( An exceptionally-- and excruciatingly-- informative author's note. )

( The most unsavoury sentence in the history of The Snapely Review lurks behind this cut. Read on only if you are braver than Godric Gryffindor himself. )

This concludes today's installment of the Snapely Review. I would like to... acknowledge... Miss Jenkins for her, ah, illuminating commentary--
OMG!! It was lyke totally fun! So, lyke, are U seein any1?
That is surely none of your business, Miss Je--
Cuz I was thinkin mayB we could lyke go 2 Hogzmeade n U could buy me a buttarbeer or a flyin pony or somthin n then U culd like make a conterseptive potion n we could do it n then get maried!!!! OMG!
I can think of nothing more nightmarish.
OMG! U R just sayin that cuz of your inner emo pain! I kno U are really totally nice n stuff! Lyke come here!
Miss Jenkins, get--
U kno U luv me, Sevviepoo!
I command you to stop at once, you moronic--
OMG let me run my fingers thru ur shiny not greesy hair!!!!
AVADA KEDAVRA!
...
I... er... as I said, that concludes today's spork. Now get out of here, all of you. And remember: you saw nothing.

Story Or Series Title: Comforts of Severus Snape A story about solitude, esoteric Potions ingredients, and creating new hexes, then?
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: m1sund3rst00d. You might find that you are more readily understood if you desist inserting numerals into the spelling of common English words.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Professor Nikki Harlot. Yes, you read her last name correctly. Perhaps I should retire to the dungeons now, as I am clearly not needed here-- this fic seems to be sporking itself.
Full Species(es): Unspeakably powerful Death Eater/Order spy/artiste/long-lost love
Hair Color (include adjectives): None noted. The only logical conclusion, of course, is that she is as bald as the Dark Lord.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Again, none noted.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None noted.
Special Possessions (if any): A Dark Mark of her very own.

Annoying Origin: A Hogwarts alumna and former Death Eater, Professor Harlot ran afoul of the Dark Lord and spent ten years hiding amongst Muggles, an act which puts her roughly on par with Wormtail and Mummy's-Boy Black in terms of courage. As the story opens, we find her perusing a letter from Dumbledore offering her the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, despite my own obviously superior qualifications.
Annoying Connections To Me: Alleged to have been my bosom-friend during our school days. When she returns to Hogwarts as DADA teacher, we fall straight away into one another's arms in a scene almost as touching as the time Potter was hit by a Bludger... but I mustn't let these tender reminiscinces carry me away.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: Aside from myself, her school friends included Lily Evans, the intolerably self-satisfied Potter, Black, Wormtail, and bloodthirsty werewolf Remus Lupin. The company one keeps does say a great deal about one's character, does it not? She is also supposed to have been friends with Arthur and Molly Weasley, despite the fact that both graduated well before our matriculation-- but that is only to be expected, as Professor Harlot appears to exist within a strange time warp.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: As a naive young girl, she was seduced by Lucius Malfoy, who then lured her into the Death Eaters. Naturally, she was the Dark Lord's 'favorite'.
Annoying Special Abilities: Purports to be 'about as powerful as the Dark Lord', yet is incapable of so much as creating a simple lesson plan.
Other Annoying Traits: Apparently, can tear the very fabric of time. The Suethor informs us (by way of an awkward author's note, of course) that at the time of this story Professor Harlot and I are both twenty-seven years of age, yet the Dark Lord has already returned and Harry Potter is said to be in his sixth year. Curious.

Points taken: 40

( Professor Nikki Harlot meets the Talentless Trio. )

( Lucius and I row over Professor Harlot. )

( The Death Eaters are many things, but they are certainly never this tedious. )

( A short time later, back at '#12 Grimwald Place'... )

I understand there has been a great deal of speculation about my true character lately. Am I good or evil? Loyal to Dumbledore or the Death Eaters? Of course this is meant to be a secret, but all this foolish theorizing is only distracting you all from more important pursuits-- such as concentrating on your potions and leaving me alone-- so I shall tell you: I'm really good. Underneath my disagreeable facade, I am saccharine incarnate, and I'm only waiting for a graceless fourteen-year-old with a mouthful of orthodontia, whose healing love will make my outward demeanor as delightful as my inner self. Is that what you want to hear, fangirl?

Now that we've got that out of the way, could we please move on to the business at hand? Today's story is a particularly charmless concoction plucked from the one place more dread than Azkaban: the Pit of Voles.

Story Or Series Title: Cotillion Dropout
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: tiffyrose

Full Name (plus titles if any): Tyler Rose Potter
Full Species(es): James Potter's littermate
Hair Color (include adjectives): 'Strait' blonde hair which blows softly in the breeze
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sadly, the author did not see fit to share this scintillating detail with us.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None but the dark stain of idiocy.
Special Possessions (if any): A coterie of Extra!Sue friends as noxious as herself, including her 'Persian partner in crime' Roxie, Lucius Malfoy's 'sister' Andrea, and slatternly Gryffindor Nadia Noah.

Annoying Origin: She is-- needless to say-- a fifth-year transfer student. After being expelled from Beauxbatons, she makes her way to Hogwarts, the better to be fawned over by an assortment of simpleminded Gryffindors.
Annoying Connections To Me: After we meet on Platform 9 3/4, she is intrigued by my 'onyx eyes' and-- I quote, reluctantly-- 'nice arse'. It is later revealed that she 'obtained Potion Mistress status at like thirteen', making it clear to everybody except myself that she is destined to be my true love.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: Potter's twin sister. Note that even she finds him arrogant and overbearing. Dislikes Lily Evans for reasons which are never disclosed (perhaps disapproval of Evans' ridiculous romantic proclivities?). Black and Lupin seem quite taken with her, but of course, dogs are notoriously indiscriminate in their affections.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: Distantly acquainted with 'Luscious' Malfoy. Briefly mentions a liason with Viktor Krum, who would have been negative two years old at the time of this story. I believe that sort of relationship violates several Muggle laws.
Annoying Special Abilities: Above and beyond her aformentioned 'Potion Mistress status', Miss Potter is an empath. She can communicate with animals, though one wonders whether the discourse of, say, a sheep would find Miss Potter out of her intellectual depth. She can also speak 'every language known to wizard kind', including Mermish-- oh, pardon me, Mermaid-- but seemingly can spell and punctuate in none of them.
Other Annoying Traits: Miss Potter seems to have some sort of fixation on what she discreetly refers to as my 'behind region'. I can only pray that she is speaking of the back rooms at Spinner's End and nothing of a more... personal nature. Adding to her delicate charm, she has no objection to stripping naked in a train compartment in which her brother is also present.

Points taken: 30

( The secret lives of Gryffindors. )

( Miss Potter can talk to animals. How unfortunate for them. )

Yes, yes-- I have been away for some time. But before you make any 'clever' remarks about my long absence, consider this: after reading today's fanfic, you'll wish I had never come back at all. It is with great derision that I present to you...

Story Or Series Title: Old Scars Heal. Indeed they do, but that can easily be remedied. SECTUMSEMPRA!
Student Dunderhead Author's Name: Licuma Lome

Full Name (plus titles if any): Lillyan Carina
Full Species(es): Mudblood trollop
Hair Color (include adjectives): '[L]ong, loose' 'glossy' 'almost liquid black curls' which '[tumble] over her shoulders like dark water' and 'sh[i]ne like black silver in the light.' The descriptive writing in this piece is worthy of Fifi LaFolle.
Eye Color (include adjectives): 'Deep' and 'pretty' blue, off which 'the light reflect[s] as if off of water'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: A scar on her lip, purportedly inflicted when I bit her in a fit of passion. Further, her skin 'seem[s] to glow.' Is there any part of her which does not shine, glow, sparkle, or reflect light?
Special Possessions (if any): Myself. I assure you, you cannot possibly imagine the morass of horror into which this casts me.

Annoying Origin: A Muggle-born, Miss Carina knew nothing of Hogwarts until 'Albus Dumbledore himself had come and insisted that she go.' But of course he did. Miss Carina is just that remarkable.
Annoying Connections To Me: During our private Potions lessons, Miss Carina lures me into tawdry sexual relations, presumably because I am unable to resist the temptation of her many shiny and glowing body parts.
Annoying Connections To Even More Annoying Canon Gryffindors: Before I succumb to her coruscating embrace, Miss Carina 'enjoys' a relationship with George Weasley. She is not only a Mudblood, but a Mudblood who has engaged in all sorts of distasteful rolling-about with a Weasley-- clearly, she is precisely the woman for whom I would pine endlessly.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters Who Are Not Me or Gryffindors, But Whom I Hate Nonetheless: Engages in a battle of wills with Albus Dumbledore when-- in the one sensible act to be found in this story-- he cruelly forbids our inappropriate and deeply noisome relationship.
Annoying Special Abilities: Miss Carina is a prodigiously gifted potion-maker. So skillful is she, she cannot be graded on her Potions N.E.W.T. Even an O, you see, would be an underrepresentation of her talents.
Other Annoying Traits: Miss Carina is a fawning, grade-grubbing bootlick of Grangerian proportions, and any of her time not spent in my bed is used to scowl and hiss at anybody who dares insult me. How touching. She is also-- of course-- the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain.

Points taken: 30

( The astounding beauty of Miss Carina cannot be described in enough detail... apparently. )

( MUST the Suethor mention Miss Carina's breasts at EVERY possible pass? )

( Now, really! )

( The grimmest possible sexual union, described in minute detail. Thank you, Miss Lome. Fifty points from your House. )

( I long heartrendingly for Miss Carina. Why, I cannot begin to explain. )