User Profile

A great many misconceptions about my character and tastes seem to be current. Allow me to refute the appalling rumours being spread by Muggle Suethors:
1. Yes, my demeanor may seem forbidding, but do not be mistaken-- my curt exterior in no way belies inner reserves of kindness and sensitivity. I am abrupt and sardonic to my very core, and enjoy being so. The love of a good woman would not change this. The name 'Severus' translates to 'cruel and nasty', you know. Perhaps you should consider that a clue.
2. I am sexually attracted to none of the following: Harry Potter, the insufferable Miss Granger, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, anybody bearing the surname Weasley, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, American transfer students, or-- nota bene, as this seems to be a point of much confusion-- you. Additionally, I have never had the dubious pleasure of meeting your mother, and therefore cannot be your long-lost father.
3. You will address me as 'Professor' or 'Sir.' You will not address me as 'Sev', 'Sevvie', 'Sevviekins', 'Sevviepoo', 'Sevviepants', 'Snookums', or 'Sex Poodle.' Nor will you address me as 'Dad' or 'Daddy', for reasons covered in item 2.
4. My hair is not 'shiny.' My nose is neither 'noble' nor 'impressive.' Loath as I am to agree with Sirius Black on anything, there is a reason why I'm known as a 'greasy git.'

I have attempted repeatedly to make these points plain, yet I am continually affronted anew by stories about my supposed liasons. Hence The Snapely Review, wherein I shall review the worst of these tales, and deduct points from the Suethors as follows:

10 points=almost abysmal
20 points=actually abysmal
30 points=beyond abysmal
40 points=more execrable than words can convey
50 points=Longbottom

If you find your own work here, you certainly may leave comments to complain. But before you do so, I advise you to study carefully item number 1 on the above list. I don't care if you are upset, because I am Snape, and because the Muggle Fair Use Clause backs me up, and because I am right.

Thank you.

(This journal was previously posted as snapesues. Old entries can be found in the Pensieve.)

What Wildly Out-of-Character Fanfic Snape Are You?

Hey, you're not OOC at all! You are... Canon Snape! You have the dubious honor of being the ugly, sarcastic, greasy git so many of us know and love. Regardless of whether you're in a het, slash, or gen fic, you are the detention-giving bastard who would never even dream of cuddling a fluffy bunny rabbit or wearing purple leather. Even if you do something that seems OOC, your writer is good enough to explain it so that it seems believable. Unfortunately, it's fairly rare to find you in fanfiction, but for those authors who write you... Ten points to Slytherin!
Take this quiz!








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